A Post on Why I'm not Posting Anything

This is the first time in a while that I'm not posting anything, besides this, for the week. My head has been in a dark place.

An aunt of mine passed away last weekend. She was my grandmother's brother's wife. She's lived a long life and has left behind a loving family. But it doesn't make it easier.

From Kindergarten through eighth grade, I went to the same Catholic elementary school. Almost every day, I saw my aunt Emily. She lived across the street from the Church of our school. Mostly when I saw her, she was out watering her garden and was one of the sweetest people you've ever met. At least to me. 

When I went to high school, I saw her less. Occasionally after Church on Sundays, family reunions, the occasional visit, and whatnot.

Then in 2005, my family was thrown all over the place thanks to Hurricane Katrina. Her and her husband moved to Arizona to be closer to one of her children and grandchildren. I saw her at my wedding in 2006, but I haven't seen her since then. I know she was surrounded by her family when she passed, and I hope she knows how dear she was to me. Death is always harder on the survivors.

Times like these also make me miss my grandmother. She died in 2002. It was the first time I experienced a death so close to me. I was 19 years old. I know I was lucky to have her in my life for that long, but it didn't feel long enough. We were close. We had so much in common and shared a love for creativity.

My grandmother caught a virus that attacked her heart. Doctors said her heart was most likely weakened from her smoking habit, which she had quit, but she needed a heart transplant. She was among a handful of the first ones in our state to receive one and because of that we were given an additional fifteen years with her. It doesn't stop me from wishing that she had never gotten sick in the first place and was still here with us today, especially since my baby girl was born.

I see those little bubble dresses and think we'd have a million because she'd have sewn them. Or we go places with the baby, and I know my grandmother would've jumped at the chance to come with us. Many things that my grandmother made for me or gave me are now displayed in my baby's room.

Like my American Girl dolls. My grandmother introduced me to that. She gave me my Molly doll. Instead of buying all of Molly's outfits, she made them. She said she bought patterns from American Doll to make the clothes herself. You know how much more special that is. Because of all the things we've made together, I'm always surrounded by her.

Then on Monday, the news broke of Robin William's suicide. When I  was told, I got choked up. I can't imagine ever removing yourself from this world on purpose. My heart grieves for him for what he must have suffered. He was one of my favorite comedians. Dead Poet's Society was one of my favorite movies of all time, and the reason I wanted to be an English teacher.

You will be missed Aunt Emily and Robin Williams. I'm just saying there better be one hell of an afterlife party when I get there hopefully many, many years from now.

Lots of <3,

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